So Much Has happened...

t is funny how much can happen in just a few weeks. I cannot remember the exact date of my last post, but I do know it has been a while. Shortly after I posted, I found out I was pregnant! I was shocked, scared, but excited! Ian was excited too, surprisingly. We told our families, including Zane. Then, at GYAP, I had a miscarriage. It sucked. I had been spotting for few days, but the doctor didn't think it was anything to worry about. I knew in my gut though that this was not meant to be. I went into the bathroom at the lake, and there it was. Just a little hard sac. I knew instantly that was my baby. It is not as if I was really attached yet. I wasn't even truly excited yet, mostly still freaking out. The hardest part was being there with all of Ian's family. Trying not to make a big deal about it. It didn't really sink in for a couple days. I just felt this overwhelming feeling of sadness. This sense of loneliness in the corner of my heart. I honestly think it would of been much easier if I had not seen the actual baby. It just made it all so real. There was a real baby growing inside my body. It was going to be my child. Now it is gone. I have no idea why. It is something that I still have not really gotten over. I still feel the sadness, the depression. The loneliness.

Rachel moved in with us the weekend before. She is supposed to be helping me with the daycare, but it is going really badly. I am not sure her doing the daycare is going to work out.
More to come...