So Much Has happened...

t is funny how much can happen in just a few weeks. I cannot remember the exact date of my last post, but I do know it has been a while. Shortly after I posted, I found out I was pregnant! I was shocked, scared, but excited! Ian was excited too, surprisingly. We told our families, including Zane. Then, at GYAP, I had a miscarriage. It sucked. I had been spotting for few days, but the doctor didn't think it was anything to worry about. I knew in my gut though that this was not meant to be. I went into the bathroom at the lake, and there it was. Just a little hard sac. I knew instantly that was my baby. It is not as if I was really attached yet. I wasn't even truly excited yet, mostly still freaking out. The hardest part was being there with all of Ian's family. Trying not to make a big deal about it. It didn't really sink in for a couple days. I just felt this overwhelming feeling of sadness. This sense of loneliness in the corner of my heart. I honestly think it would of been much easier if I had not seen the actual baby. It just made it all so real. There was a real baby growing inside my body. It was going to be my child. Now it is gone. I have no idea why. It is something that I still have not really gotten over. I still feel the sadness, the depression. The loneliness.

Rachel moved in with us the weekend before. She is supposed to be helping me with the daycare, but it is going really badly. I am not sure her doing the daycare is going to work out.
More to come...

The Best Days

Lately I have been feeling like when I am old, this is the time of my life I will look back on as the best years! Yes, there are some things I do not particularly care for, and life will never be perfect, but there is so much good in my life right now. My wonderful husband that still makes my heart skip a beat every time he walks in the door. My amazing son, always telling me jokes or doing cool tricks and making me laugh. I am so lucky to be at home right now. Even though the daycare drives me nuts most of the time, I still would not trade this time for anything. Just seeing the huge difference it has made in my family. I feel like I am the glue that holds our little family together, and as long as I am here keeping it all going, everyone else is so much happier and less stressed. I have seen such amazing growth in Zane. He has really thrived with me being home. He is working on his reading, and has over 50 sight words now! He is so great at Math, Art, and has a great imagination. I am so amazed by the pictures he draws me. Just today he drew me a picture of a rabbit coming out of a magic hat, complete with streamers. He also drew me a pretty realistic looking water gun. I am so excited to see what is in store for him, he is a such a bright, sociable kid.

Ian and I finally both decided it was time to start trying for another baby!! I am still pretty freaked out by the whole idea, but I definitely know this is the right time. I am just ready to be pregnant already!! I am not sure how having 2 kids is going to fit into finishing my art degree...but I know I can make it all work out. It is going to be hard, but I like a good challenge!

My Story

I have always wanted to write in a journal. I have entire notebooks half filled with my futile attempts at keeping some sort of record of my feelings. For some reason, I always fail. I will write diligently, every day, until I forget once, then twice...and then it just seems like so much work to fill in my diary with everything that has happened the days I have forgot..so I just give up. I am also very aware of what I write, knowing that anything written down is fair game to be interpreted by others. However, I love to hear peoples stories, and I hope one day my children will want to hear mine. Hopefully I will be around to tell them, but if not, I want to make sure they have a way to feel like I am here, telling them myself. That is why I decided to start this blog. To share my story.

My life did not turn out at all how I had planned. It turned out so much better. I fell so hopelessly in love when I was 17, got pregnant with my beautiful son shortly after getting married, and here I am. I am currently struggling with school, running a daycare, and debating when and if I am going to have another child. I hope you enjoy my story!